What A Month Can Teach You

Our baby girl has been with us for just over a month, and it has been the most stretching, most rewarding month of my life. Here are a few things I’ve learned in this short time:

ONE

Motherhood is soaked in sacrifice. Sacrifice in every sense of the word. But it’s the best kind of sacrifice; its not the kind to leave you feeling bankrupt. Somehow, the sacrifice that is attached to motherhood leaves you feeling all the richer.

I think all sacrifice should be this way.

TWO

Love is automatic, commitment is a choice.

When I look into the eyes of my child, I somehow see myself. How is that even possible? Years ago, I had a dream, and in it I looked into the eyes of my baby, and all I saw were two big, brown button eyes. I see the fruition of a dream when I look into the eyes of my child. I hadn’t made the connection until after we had brought her home and I found myself lost in her eyes when I looked at her. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. And so, it is easy to love her – she is my dream come true.

But I have had to catch hold of the traitor that is Fear as it has tried to grab a hold of my heart in the early morning hours, especially in the first week when I wondered, for a brief moment, if we had done the best thing for this child in adopting her.

You see, Fear can even sabotage your dream come true. It is the thief of joy, and it is a solitary creature who seeks company with whomsoever will give it a second of their time.

Don’t let fear creep in, and have you doubt what you know is the will of God for your life. Don’t let fear find its way into your thoughts and into your heart in the early, solitary hours of your dream, when your defense is down, and you’re tired, and unaware that your thoughts are trying to rule you.

THREE

Sometimes, in the midst of your dream come true, even when you’re holding that dream in your arms – you can feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

No one could have prepared me for the loneliness of motherhood. This sentence sounds like a paradox, because how can you feel lonely when you’re actually never alone?

But – it is lonely. Even when you have a supportive husband and family, motherhood can be lonely. It does pass, and I think it has a lot to do with the adjustment.

The truth is, your dream is just that – YOUR dream. No one else is responsible for tending to it, and sometimes, you’ll feel alone in your pursuit of it, and in the realization of it. It’s an adjustment, you’re not alone – you're just feeling like you are.

Surround yourself with people who will cheer you on. People who will remind you of your dream when you’ve lost hope in it, and people who will celebrate with you when you’re overcome by the realization of it.

FOUR

There have been many pockets of time in my days over the last month that have been filled with thoughts of the birth mother of my baby girl. There is a woman out there, a stranger, who somehow feels like family because of the gift she’s given me. Nova is my child in a way she will never be hers, and in the same breath, Nova is hers in a way that she will never be mine, but the miracle is that together we are mothers, equally different, equally the same.

I am, in a way, indebted to her for the rest of my life, but I’ve learned that its not the kind of “debt” you would deem bad, or the kind you rush to pay off. It’s the kind of debt I’m proud to owe because its left me rich in the truest way I could imagine.

FIVE

Not everyone will support or even agree with your decisions, no matter how pure your intentions are.

When we decided we were going to adopt, we both knew we would adopt a child of colour. A peace fell over that decision – and never left us. We had so many conversations around what we were expecting with regards to people’s responses around that decision.

The truth is, although our hearts are filled to the point of overflow, not everyone will always feel the same. And that’s literally their problem, not ours. Whatever monsters they need to face and fight in order to get healing in their hearts, they’ll need to grab the metaphorical sword and slay that dragon, and the sooner the better…for them, but also for generations to come.

I could discuss the awkward experiences and responses we’ve had from all different groups of people, but that wouldn’t be helpful, and so I won’t.

I would much rather put my time and energy into the multitude of people from all different groups who love and support us, who love our Home girl. People who encourage us on the daily, give us advice, pray for us. People who cheer us on, who see our hearts. People I'm proud to have surround my child, to show her the world doesn't have to be bitter and ugly. A community of people who reveal the tender moments in every day, filled with love and acceptance of our beautiful differences.

And so I look forward to what the next month will teach me, and what it will teach you.

How we’ll be reminded of just how resilient we can be, how sacrificial, how forgiving, how hungry for our dreams we can be. And just how vulnerable we can be.

C.S Lewis puts it so perfectly:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I dreamed of moments like this.