TO MY FIRSTBORN

Not born of me, but to me.  What a privilege it is to love you.

I remember the first time I held you in my arms and whispered the words of the first song I ever sang over you, no one else could hear us, it was a moment just the two of us shared. It was the moment I became and you became, and the three of us; you, me, and Daddy became a family.

You made me a mother, you were the first to give me that title, and you have changed me forever!

Life is about to change in the most wonderful way as we welcome your baby sister into our family.  But this beautiful change does mean some big changes for you, and for me. 

This lap, these arms, this chest; places only occupied by your little body over the last while, will no longer only be occupied by you, they will no longer be just yours, they will be hers too.

I’m so grateful my arms will be fuller, my lap heavier, my chest warmer, but I want you to know that while it was just you, just you and me in those quiet moments…that it was enough for me, that you were and are enough.

But we know the God of more than enough, and He has been so kind to us, so generous that He would see fit to make me a mamma to two beautiful, miracle girls.  

How special He must think you are that He would make you a big sister in such a miraculous way.  It’s different to how you became ours, but both ways are equally miraculous and astonishing, and they leave us in total awe everyday.

I know you love her already, just as we do.  I know because even though you are just 2 years old, you tenderly hug my belly, you speak softly to her, whispering “hello sissie”, and you kiss my belly good morning and good night.

I want you to know that there may be times when I can’t come immediately when you call me, times when I can’t pick you up like I used to…but I need you to know that its not because I don’t want to, I desperately do…It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I don’t want to be with you, or that your needs are not as important anymore…I promise we’ll figure this out together, all four of us, we’ll figure out what love looks like when there’s more of us to love!

Although love can never be measured, I want you to know that we love you and your sister both the same, and that will never change, we’ve just loved you for longer.  

You are a light in our lives: a brilliant, joyful light, and our lives are going to be even brighter when your little sister is born!

And so, as we all prepare our home for the arrival of your sister, we prepare our hearts also.  We feel them stretch to make space for more love than we’ve ever had before. We make room for more adventures, but as a family of 4.

We ready ourselves for a life your daddy and I dreamed about and hoped for.

Here we stand, on favored ground, soaking it all in.  And we continue to become; you, me, daddy and your sister, as we grow into the dreams God has for us.

This life is more than enough, more than we deserve.

XX

Mamma