STICKS AND STONES

November is World Adoption Awareness Month, and the 9th(Nova’s birthday) is World Adoption Day!  Our family celebrates the gift of adoption, and although it has its roots in brokenness, it also bares the most rewarding, beautiful fruit!

The language around adoption can get a bit sticky, and we have chosen to view some of the hurtful questions or remarks we’ve received as coming from a place of ignorance and just simply not knowing what language to use.  We realize that we are the first adoptive family many people around us have had contact with, and this is both a privilege and a responsibility.

We find ourselves in the privileged position of being able to share the beauty of adoption with those we love, and even with strangers.  We have family and friends who have had their hearts broken over adoption because of our family’s story, and who have since either adopted themselves, or are in the process – what an honor!

But, we also have the responsibility of helping people understand the impact of their words on our family, and more importantly, our daughter as she gets older and is able to understand what people are saying in their ignorance.

What I’ve realized is knowledge is power, and I feel its really important to help educate people on the most appropriate language to use.  To be honest, I am still figuring out what some of the language around adoption looks like for our family, but I’d rather we figure it out together, than have to constantly feel like I may perhaps have to block my daughter’s ears or explain something unnecessary that was said.

I thought I would share some of the highlights from the past year and a half.  (By “highlights”, I mean, the questions that have left me stunned – ha!), and offer a little advice to people for when you interact with adoptive families.

Just to be clear, my intention is not to rally a team around me to speak badly of anyone who said this, that would just make us look as ignorant.  I simply want to help people understand.

Here goes….

”How did you choose her?”

Just like a biological parent cannot choose the child they have, we could not choose our child from a line up of children, at least not the way pursued adoption.  

Its important to know that a good social worker will find a family for a child, and not the other way around.  Adoption involves a complex journey of making profile books that explain who you are, of profile matches, of birth mothers choosing the family they want for their child (this doesn’t happen often in SA).  It consists of waiting periods, legal documents being cleared, and then it may still not work out after that!  Ultimately, I believe God has the final say.

“How much did you pay for her?“

My child is not a possession, not a commodity.  To be clear, any financial implications involved with how we pursued adoption were to cover legal costs and the roles of the social workers.  Babies aren’t laying in foster homes and orphanages with price tags attached to them.  Its not a nice thing to ask, and you wouldn’t ask a biological parent what their hospital bill was from the delivery.

“I’m so glad you’ll finally experience motherhood  &

I’m so happy for you that now you’ll be a true mom.“

I must admit, these two did take my breath away.  Adoption made me a “true mom”, Nova made me a “true mom”.  Birthing someone doesn’t do that, being a mother is more than DNA and physiology and the birthing process.  One of these were said while I was holding my daughter in my arms.  It broke my heart to think (if she understood what they were saying), that she may think she didn’t make me a mother, or that she wasn’t considered my “real” child.

”Ah, you see, it would have eventually happened and now you’ve adopted already.”

We did not adopt our daughter because we couldn’t have children biologically.  

We, under no uncertain terms, do not regret going through the process of adoption and then conceiving afterwards.  Yes, we struggled with infertility, but it was not our reason for adopting.  Adoption has made us better people and opened our eyes and hearts to a world we would otherwise not have known!

“Can I touch her hair, I’ve never felt hair like this before?”

Rather not.  She’s not a show and tell object.  And we’re raising her to be confident and to stand up for herself, so she will most likely tell you “no” when you reach down to do it.  Which I fully support.

Adopted kids are not public property.  She is our child, and she does not have to hug you in order to greet you.  Again, she will most likely say “no” if she doesn’t not want to interact with you physically, and to be honest, there are some people I don’t want to hug, and don’t.

Some friendly advice:

Do not make a villain of the birth mother.

Comments that suggest the birth mother should be looked down upon for choosing adoption are morally incorrect.  She is a key role player in me becoming a mother, she is a her. Saying things like, “How could she just give her child away”, or “people who can’t look after their own children shouldn’t be able to have children”, are just hurtful, and you really don’t know what led the birth mother to make such a desperate and heartbreaking decision.

Birth mother’s who choose adoption do not “give their child away”.

This implies that the child is a possession, or even that the adoptive family has “taken” that child away from his\her birth mother. It’s damaging and hurtful language because adoption is a long and painful journey and a decision that the birth mother has to carry with her for the rest of her life.

Don’t ask where her “real mom” is or where we “got” our child from.

I am her real mom, I’m not babysitting her.  She may not be my flesh and blood, but she is my child.

The background story of an adopted child is THEIR story.  Once they are old enough to understand it, they should be the first to know it.  If it’s something they would like to share, then that is totally up the THEM. It forms part of their identity and story, its not for anyone else to disclose.

We are not heroes for adopting, just like biological parents aren’t heroes for conceiving.

Please don’t feel the need to compliment us or thank us for adopting our child.  We haven’t done this from a place of wanting to save a child.  We just wanted a family, and this is the route we chose to begin ours.

Don’t shy away from having to discuss adoption

When your children (of any race) seem perplexed at the sight of our interracial family, don’t leave them to draw their own conclusions or pull them away out of embarrassment because they’ve been staring.  Families don’t need to match, and it could be a powerful teaching moment for your child.

Friend, if you don’t know what to say, say just that.  Ask the family what language would be most appropriate in the situation; they’ll either know what to tell you or figure it out with you!  Just like any parents, we’re figuring this out day by day.  Some days we get it right, other days, we learn from our mistakes.

Love and peace to you all!