REMEMBER ME, LORD

It’s been just over 8 years since I first prayed to God concerning our infertility. (Before we even knew what we were going to face, before we even knew that it was infertility.)

All I prayed was: “Please, don’t let us struggle to conceive.”

It’s just over 8 years later, and I’m sitting at my desk, with my hand resting on my pregnant belly, and I’m speechless. I have no words to thank God for remembering my prayers, for hearing the cries of my heart.  And so, I can’t think of any other posture, but to be at the feet of Jesus, pouring out my affection and thankfulness towards Him at the audacity of this miracle.  

I remember the early days, just after I had found out I was pregnant. (Goodness, it feels so strange just to be typing this out.) I had kept the secret of this miracle all to myself for a couple days, I didn’t even tell my husband.  I just felt like the man who met Jesus on the road and was healed must have felt when Jesus told him not to go to the nearest town and tell everyone about his healing.  He was sent home, in silence.  I just felt like I needed to be silent in the wake of this miracle.  It left me speechless.

Five years ago I was given a pair of maternity jeans and some tops from one of my dearest friends. She told me I would need them some day.   I don’t think she ever prayed with me directly, but I know she prayed for me. I kept those clothes tucked away at the back of my cupboard because hope, even in small measures can be a powerful thing.  

God tells us that when we hope in Him, we will not be put to shame, and I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty happy about that!

It’s important to surround yourself with people who can hope with you and for you, even when your own hope reserves are low. People who may not always pray with you (which at times, in my frustration, was truthfully the last thing I wanted), but who you know are praying for you. I have more than one friend like this, and have even come across strangers who have done the same for me. There is power in aligning yourself with the right people. Make sure you have an Aaron and Hur in your corner, holding up your hands in the seasons when you feel you just can’t.

Friend, please don’t stop believing for whatever breakthrough you’re trusting God for; whether for yourself or for someone you know and love.

I cannot tell you how many people reminded me that they hadn’t given up believing for a miracle in my body, that they were still praying for Nova’s future siblings...and I can’t tell you how that refueled my faith and reminded me that God had not forgotten me, because if people hadn’t, surely he hadn’t!

Prayer is not passive, it’s a war cry, however silent it may be. 

Stand in the gap for others and pray for them.  Our faith cannot be some fragile thing that is crushed at the slightest hint of opposition!  If God makes you a promise, he will keep it.  He’s not a liar, even when your doubt would have you think He is.  His goodness doesn’t stop at you.  

Since finding out about our second miracle, our second baby girl, I’ve had so many women come up to me saying they’re so pleased I never lost faith in my healing.  But I must be honest, there were times when I had.  There were seasons when I felt God chose not to hear the prayers I prayed over myself, and in my brokenness over it all, it hurt me sometimes to see him coming through for the women I had prayed for.

But its important to know that God does not disqualify you, even in the area of our need, even while you’re waiting for breakthrough, your faith over and for breakthrough in the lives of others is not invalid.   I think its very powerful.

If he would be so kind as to make the sun stand still for Joshua, then I believe he’ll do the same for you.  Whatever that sun-stopping miracle looks like in your life.

Nothing is too difficult for him.  Where reason and logic and medicine end...that’s where He takes over, he specialises in the impossible!  I believe that without a doubt! If you could see our paperwork and the diagnosis of our type of infertility, you would understand what I’m speaking of.  The fertility specialists couldn’t understand why the treatments weren’t working, we couldn’t understand it, but we do now.

Had we conceived during any of those treatments, I don’t think we would have had the privilege of being parents to our first miracle child, our Nova girl.  Just having that prayer answered when I wanted it to would have had our life look so different to how it does now.  And the truth is, I don’t want it to look any other way than it does at this very moment.

I had made peace with the fact that we would grow our family through the beautiful miracle of adoption.  Really made peace with it.  The last prayer I had prayed before finding out I was pregnant was me telling God that Nova was enough, He owed me nothing. Perhaps that played a part in this whole miracle – the peace.

Only once I could honestly pray to God and tell him what I had was enough, that I was no longer holding Him ransom to my idea of what I thought was best for me, only then did I realize that it didn’t take God 8 years to finally hear my prayers and answer them, it took ME 8 years to finally trust Him.

And so, whatever it is you’re believing God for, I pray a peace settles over you in the waiting.  I pray that your prayers to God will be filled with lines like: “I know you can, and I thank you that you will!”

Before I even asked God to heal my body in that first prayer 8 years ago, He was already declaring wholeness and healing over me, because He was already in my tomorrow, knowing what I needed before even I did, and He is already in yours.

That’s just how kind He is...I couldn’t have earned this miracle, and I am sure I don’t deserve it.

Our ability to believe God is directly linked to our relationship and intimacy with Him! Just like any of your important relationships, the more you know the person, the more you believe them when they tell you something. The seasons when I lost faith and didn’t believe God could heal me,  were lonely days, filled with doubt.  

When you can’t pray, someone is still praying for you! Jesus sits at the right hand of The Father interceding for you!  He has the words, even when you don’t!

He remembers you, He even remembers the prayers you’ve long forgotten.

xx