ADOPTION IS BIRTHED OUT OF GRIEF

Adoption is birthed out of grief…

That was one of the first things our social worker said to us. She wanted to know that we understood what grief felt like.

I thought it so strange that she would sober up our excitement at our first meeting in such a way.

But it’s true…Adoption is birthed out of grief.

Firstly, I’ve grieved over the course of the 7 years we tried all we could within our means to conceive. I’ve grieved failed fertility treatments, hopeful symptoms turned into bitter disappointments. I’ve grieved. We’ve grieved.

Then, there’s the tremendous grief that burdens the birth mother. She will have to carry the fact that she gave her child away to someone else for them to love and care for because it was not within her means to do so. The ultimate sacrifice if you ask me. The kind of sacrifice that pains the very soul of the sacrifice-barer, and delights that of the receiver. The ultimate act of selfless love, really, and one I will forever be grateful for.

And then we have the grief that our daughter may have to face one day, when she can fully comprehend that she is adopted. Irrespective of how much she is loved by us, her family, and her community, irrespective of the opportunities she’ll now have, she may grieve the life she never had.

But one thing she will know is; she is with us because of love. Her birth mother took the time to look through our profile, and choose us specifically to raise this child (this is hardly ever done in South African adoptions), because of love.

We saw her face, her eyes, and felt like she chose us…because of love. We took a journey to the other side of the country to fetch her and bring her home, because of love.

But the phenomenal thing here is that something beautiful can come from grief. That gut-wrenching pain can result in the moments I find myself in daily: With this child I didn’t carry, being carried in my arms, heavily soaked in sleep because she knows she is safe, loved, home.

And it is as if I have always known her, as if I have imagined the curve of her nose and her cute little ears. I have dreamed of her dark brown eyes. When I first held her hand, it was as though I had done so before, as though I’d known her before. As if God had prepared my heart for her, despite its hardened state.

It is as though God planted the outline of her in my heart, the smallest seed, before I even knew I needed her!

The feeling of her in my arms feels somewhat familiar, as though she has been here before. And the truth sinks deep into my spirit and takes root there, a truth I know for sure: However which way motherhood comes to you, know that it is a miracle.

This journey to adoption is littered with moments of me searching for God, for His voice, but what I have learned is this:

When Heaven is silent, God is not deaf. He inclines his ear towards us, but why? To hear the prayers we aren’t brave enough to even utter. He inclines his ear towards us to hear the prayers of our heart...the prayers uttered under your breath because it's too difficult to pray them again, and you’re too tired to say them out loud…again. But He hears them friend, loud and clear, before you even utter them. He hears them and He is not surprised by your fatigue in praying them and your resistance to do so!

Your grief is not in vain, and neither are your prayers. Sometimes God’s timing hurts, it aches the heart. But, and this I know for sure, joy does come – and when it does, it sets the heart ablaze! And if life has taught me anything, I’ve learned that I cannot over-exaggerate the goodness of God.

“Not all gifts come tied in ribbons, or at a special time of year. Some blessings surprise us, arriving unlabeled. And we embrace them in a blaze of joy!” -Unknown